When I was two years old, my mom introduced me to her computer. It was a premium early 2006 iMac. We were some of the few people with Wi-Fi in our apartment. And boy, it was fast. We had fiber, too. You know, it's Romania after all. We're a sort of third-world country with the fastest technology.
And yet here I am. Slow like a turtle, dumb like a village idiot, fucked up like a genetically mutated Labrador. What happened? What did I do wrong? Or rather... what did the Internet do to me?
After all, the Internet is supposed to make our lives better. In the late 80s and throughout the 90s and 2000s, there was this energy of hope that made us think life would get a million times better. We would have no more wars, and the world would become more politically stable. But here we are. Russia invades Ukraine. And in a few years, China invades Taiwan. And then we will see nukes flying all over the sky, ready to kill us all - all thanks to the Internet and AI.
But I'm not talking about wars and politics. I'm talking about the world within; the good old Information Superhighway. It's vape for Gen Alpha. As an older reader, you've probably not heard of 80% of what they consume every day. You've probably heard of Skibidi Toilet and the 67 meme, but what about The Amazing Digital Circus? I'll tell you: that show is a million times worse than those combined. Google it yourself if you even dare to know what it is.
Now back to the story. As I grew older, I quickly learned about the wonders and mysteries of computers. I could already connect the mouse, keyboard, and display when I was five! After I finished kindergarten, I ate my usual lunch, and when it was around 4-6PM, I quickly rushed to the computer room, lay on the large, blue chair, and powered it on. It was bliss. I could watch countless hours of YouTube as if it were TV without commercials.
Then came 2014. Windows XP was nearing its end. It was a new era for both me and everyone else. As I prepared myself for first grade, people all over the Internet were talking about GamerGate. For those who don't know, it was a campaign that promoted transgender characters in video games. A video about it came into my recommendations. "What is GamerGate?" I thought. I clicked on the video and a new world opened in front of me. I was already watching Klasky Csupo Sparta remixes and PBS logo parodies, but that video changed me. I no longer looked at the Internet as a weird wonderland. I began to see what was really lurking within. A bunch of other channels came into my recommended as well, which later shaped my childhood online. I really liked SMG4 and I binge-watched his videos until bed. I occasionally looked at the comments section for some good laughs, but most of the time it made me lose my faith in humanity.
Things were going pretty well until the pandemic. While I was doing Zoom/Google Meet calls with class, I was browsing 4chan, specifically /g/. As I was sifting through, I came across Encyclopedia Dramatica. And boy, it was intense. I cried so hard I felt like the whole world was shattering. Out of fear and curiosity, I scoured the site like I was digging a mine. I came across even more crass articles, many risqué, others simply painful to look at. I then heard of Goatse and Lemon Party, and they traumatized me for good. I reached the point of no return. I was now terminally online.
Yes, it's a curse. The world now feels so simple and bland. Everything feels the same at whichever point in time and wherever you go. But it's also a blessing. You now know everything about what's happening in the world thanks to the Internet's interconnectedness. Some guy would tell you about a major event, and you would immediately catch up with a few Google searches.
Being terminally online is not lame. It's just another way of living life. A terminally online person is not necessarily an Internet addict. You could spend countless hours on TikTok and not hear of furries and otherkin. Personally, I love being terminally online, but I have many terminally online friends who might say otherwise. The Internet made me smarter and more creative.
I get it - the Internet can be dangerous and is often boring, but you can still get to the fun parts if you try a little harder. You will eventually get there. Trust me.
Surf safely.